9 months of fear and blessing

Looking back over 9 months, well 9+ months, of pregnancy, I am amazed at God's revelation of his faithfulness. He has blessed me in monumental ways. But because of our human nature...our short-term memories and tunneled vision tend to minimize these blessings as we move our thoughts onto the NEXT way that we hope God will bless. In short, we're ungrateful, selfish, self-centered, and basically...really big whiners.

Why does it take me actively looking back to realize how much I've been blessed? Why don't I walk in gratitude daily? What in the world do I have to complain about?

These are the humbling and pointed questions I've asked myself over the past few days. I remember last year at this time hoping that Justin and I would be able to conceive a child. I feared that we would struggle before I even knew. Instead of resting in the Lord, I feared the worst...probably as a defense mechanism to prevent as much dissapointment as possible. After two months, my fears were broken by God's blessing via a positive pregnancy test. I spent a few days in awe of God, but after awhile, began to accept it as a normal part of life.

I've struggled with other fears as well. And I'm learning that this is just the beginning of the rest of my life to fear things for and about this child. My fears range anything from labor and delivery to his growth and development to the girls he dates in high school to his salvation. You can "what if" every detail of life...every. single. detail.

Right now, I am 2 days from being induced...aka 4 days overdue. I find myself fearing even in my dreams...last night, I dreamt that there were no doctors in the hospital because they all had family emergencies and had to go home. I awoke and began to pray scripture over these irrational fears because honestly, I had no other way to comfort myself. There are hundreds of places in scripture where God tells us not to fear. He promises to be with us, to guard us and to save us. I read a comment on Jim Denison's blog last month that there are 365 scriptures that tell us not to fear...once for everyday of the year. Fear is not a small thing when you claim to belong to Christ, it's a misplacement of faith.

I think about some of the fears that have surfaced and re-surfaced throughout my pregnancy...what if the hospital does something wrong, what if we get snowed in (after all, the due date is February 1 and we do live in Upstate NY), what if I don't know the doctor on call, what if my parents don't get to be here...what if. God responds by saying:
"Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men, who cannot save." Psalm 146:3
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"It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." Psalm 118:8
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"Stop trusting in man, who has but a breath in his nostrils. Of what account is he?" Isaiah 2:22

I memorized two verses last year that dealt with fear that have specifically been a refuge for me...Deuteronomy 31:6 and Phillipians 4:6-7. These are the verses that I wake up and think about. I'm so grateful that God is continually writing them into my heart. I hope so much for more than just these two.

God has answered, and is still answering my fears, and right now there is nothing else that I can do but sit and be grateful. Here's a picture I took outside today, notice something missing?

Not one ounce of snow is on the ground, and there's none in the forecast. We also have a better chance of getting rain than snow in the next week because this winter has been so warm. I think about last winter and am so grateful. I think about how afraid I was that I would go into labor during a snowstorm and I'm so grateful. So incredibly grateful.

My parents are also on their way to New York right now. They'll meet Logan on the day he is born. Again...so incredibly grateful.

He also answers my fears in his very action when he became Christ. I have felt convicted over and over again that God chose to be born in a stable. This reality has brand new meaning when your maternal instincts take over and you begin to obsess over every little detail. How would I feel if I had to deliver my child in a smelly, cold barn, with no monitors or nurses or epidural? How would I feel if I had to put him in a feed trough instead of a warm swaddling blanket in a brand new bassinet? My answers to these questions reveal a great amount of pride in my heart that I had no idea was even there.

Psalm 91 is one of my all-time favorite scriptures. I have read it a lot when Satan tries to put fear in my heart.

40 weeks!!

I pray this for Logan:

"Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place—
the Most High, who is my refuge—
no evil shall be allowed to befall you,
no plague come near your tent.

For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways.
On their hands they will bear you up,
lest you strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread on the lion and the adder;
the young lion and the serpent you will trample underfoot.

Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
I will protect him, because he knows my name.
When he calls to me, I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him.
With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”
Psalm 91:9-16